Resources and Information About Family Violence Section 4 Hotlines: National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 S.A.F.E House Hotline 1-800-773-3645 Carlsbad: 505-885-4615 Clovis: 1-800-401-0305 Crownpoint: 1-800-799-5050 Espanola: 1-800-206-1656 Gallup: 1-800-634-4508 Las Cruces: 1-800-376-2272 Raton: 1-800-799-6484 Rio Rancho: 1-800-526-7157 Santa Fe: 1-800-473-5220 Silver City: 1-888-538-2125 Taos: 505-758-9888 Signs & Symptoms of: Intimate Partner Abuse Child Abuse and Neglect Signs of Physical Abuse in Children Signs of Neglect in Children Signs of Sexual Abuse in Children Signs of Emotional Abuse in Children Elder Abuse Physical Abuse of Elders Emotional Abuse of Elders Financial Abuse of Elders Sibling Abuse Misconceptions vs. the Facts Definitions Family Violence Intimate Partner Abuse Physical Abuse Sexual Abuse Verbal Abuse Psychological/Emotional Abuse Economic Abuse Social Abuse Child Abuse and Neglect Elder Abuse Sibling Abuse Understanding Why It May Be Hard For Someone To Leave An Abusive Relationship Ask Yourself These Questions Personal Safety Plan While in the Home With the Abuser Escaping from the Home After Leaving the Abusive Relationship New Mexico Statistics National Statistics Domestic Violence is a Serious, Widespread Social Problem in America: The Facts Prevalence of Domestic Violence Domestic Homicides Health Issues Domestic Violence and Youth Domestic Violence and Children Rape Stalking Sources Resources New Mexico Services Shelters - Central NM Shelters - Outside Central NM Counseling Services - Central NM Counseling Services - Outside Central NM Support Groups - Central NM Victim Assistance Legal Help Youth Crisis Shelter & Residential Treatment Programs Batterer Programs - Central NM Batterer Programs - Outside Central NM New Mexico Links National Links Information Resources for Businesses More About United Way of Central New Mexico's Initiative Against Family Violence

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Understanding Why It May Be Hard For Someone To Leave An Abusive Relationship

There are many reasons why people who are abused do not or can not leave the abusive relationship. Here are some of those reasons:

• Fear and trauma
  • A belief that the batterer will kill her if she leaves
  • The memory and trauma of past violent events when she tried to leave
  • Threats to take the kids or to harm another family member
  • Disabling symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, caused by the violence
• Lack of Resources
  • Money
  • Transportation
  • Childcare
  • Employment
  • Food, clothing, and housing
  • Healthcare and insurance
  • Lack of access to community resources
  • Lack of shelters with services and hours for working women
  • Lack of support from friends and families
• Family Responsibilities and Values
  • Wanting the children to have a father
  • Wanting to be a good spouse
  • Not wanting to disappoint other family members
  • The need to take care of elderly parents or disabled family members
• Emotions and Beliefs
  • A deep commitment and love for a partner
  • The hope and belief that the abuser will change
  • Religious beliefs regarding marriage
  • Lowered self-esteem
  • Confusion
  • Depression and/or anxiety
  • Feelings of guilt or shame

Ask Yourself These Questions

Am I abused?

• Does the person you love…
• How is your relationship?

Am I abusive?

• Go through the Violent & Controlling Behavior Checklist to find out.

Does the person you love…

• Keep track of all of your time? 
• Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful? 
• Discourage your relationships with family and friends? 
• Prevent you from working or attending school? 
• Criticize you for little things? 
• Anger easily when drinking or using other drugs? 
• Control all finances and force you to account in detail for what you spend? 
• Humiliate you in front of others? 
• Destroy personal property or sentimental items? 
• Hit, punch, slap, kick, or bite you or the children? 
• Use or threaten to use a weapon against you? 
• Threaten to hurt you or the children? 
• Force you to have sex against your will?

If you find yourself saying yes to any of these - it's time to get help.

Don't Ignore the Problem

Talk to someone. Part of the abuser's power comes from secrecy. Victims are often ashamed to let anyone know about intimate family problems. Go to a friend or neighbor, or call a family violence hotline to talk to a counselor.

Plan ahead and know what you will do if you're attacked again. If you decide to leave, choose a place to go; set aside some money. Put important papers - marriage license, birth certificates, and checkbooks - in a place where you can get them quickly.

Learn to think independently. Try to plan for the future and set goals for yourself.

Source :National Crime Prevention Council
http://www.ncpc.org/ncpc/ncpc/?pg=2088-6012

Go to Create Your Own Safety Plan

How is your relationship?

Does your partner:

• Embarrass you with bad names and put-downs?
• Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
• Control what you do, who you see or talk to, or where you go?
• Stop you from seeing or talking to friends or family?
• Take your money or Social Security, make you ask for money, or refuse to give you money?
• Make all the decisions?
• Tell you you're a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
• Act like the abuse is no big deal, it's your fault, or even deny doing it?
• Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
• Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
• Shove you, slap you or hit you?
• Force you to drop charges?
• Threaten to commit suicide?
• Threaten to kill you?

If you've answered yes to any of these, contact one of the following:

• Throughout the State of New Mexico, you can call the S.A.F.E. House toll-free hotline 24 hours a day at 1-800-773-3645
• National Domestic Violence Hotline 24 hours a day at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TDD for the Deaf)

Go to Create Your Own Safety Plan

Violent & Controlling Behavior Checklist

People who abuse others do some or all of the following:

• Slap, punch, grab, kick, choke, push, restrain, pull hair, pinch, bite
• Rape (use of force, threats to get sex)
• Use of weapons, throwing things, keeping weapons around which scare her
• Abuse of furniture, things in the home, pets, destroying her things
• Intimidation (standing in the doorway during arguments, angry or threatening gestures, use of size to intimidate, standing over her, outshouting, driving recklessly)
• Uninvited touching
• Harassment (uninvited visits or calls, following her around, checking up on her, embarrassing her in public, not leaving when asked)
• Isolation (preventing or making it hard for her to see/talk to friends, relatives, others)

Psychological and Economic Abuse

• Yelling, swearing, being lewd, raising your voice, using angry expressions or gestures
• Criticism (name-calling, swearing, mocking, put-downs, ridicule, accusations, blaming, use of trivializing words or gestures)
• Threats (verbal or nonverbal, direct or indirect)
• Pressure Tactics (rushing her to make decisions, using guilt/accusations, sulking, threatening to withhold financial support, manipulating children, abusing feelings)
• Interrupting, changing topics, not listening, not responding, twisting her words, going on and on
• Economic coercion (withholding money, the car, or other resources; sabotaging her attempts to work)
• Claiming "the truth," being the authority, defining her behavior, using "logic"
• Lying, withholding information, infidelity (having sex with others)
• Using pornography (e.g., magazines, movies, strip shows, home videos, etc.)
• Withholding help on childcare/housework; not doing your share or following through on your agreements
• Emotional withholding (not expressing feelings, not giving support, validation, attention, compliments, respect for her feelings, rights, and opinions)
• Not taking care of yourself, thereby forcing your partner to take care of you (not asking for help or support from friends, abusing drugs or alcohol, being a "people-pleaser")

(Adapted from EMERGE, Boston, Massachusetts) 

Source: Men Stopping Violence http://www.menstoppingviolence.org/LearnMore/checklist.php

If you find yourself saying yes to any of these - it's time to get help.

Don't Ignore the Problem

Talk to someone. Go to a friend, or call a family violence hotline to talk to a counselor.

Plan ahead and know what you will do if you feel the urge to attack again.

Try to plan for the future and set goals for yourself.

Go to Batterer Services

Additional Resources

• National Center for Fathering www.fathers.com
• National Center on Fathers and Families www.ncoff.gse.upenn.edu

Personal Safety Plan

While in the Home With the Abuser

Attempt to hide or remove from the home all guns and ammunition. If an abusive incident seems imminent, attempt to leave the home.

If leaving is impossible,

• Attempt to avoid the kitchen, bathrooms or other areas where sharp objects and large glass surfaces, fire, caustic chemicals or boiling water are present.
• Attempt to create a "temporary safe area" inside the home.
• If possible, keep a phone in the temporary safe area; a cellular phone is ideal since the wires cannot be cut or jerked out of the wall.
• Try to arrange a "signal" that will alert your neighbors to call the police— a blind pulled up and down or a scarf hung out a window will do.
• Ask your neighbors to call the police if they hear sounds of violence coming from your home.
• If it is safe to do so, teach your children to call the police when an abusive incident is in progress.
• If possible, keep a diary
• List all abusive incidents, include the date and time, a description of the incident
• List any threats made before, during or after the incident and any injuries suffered.
• If the police were called include the name and badge number of the officers and their response.
• If medical treatment was received include the name of the doctor and hospital or facility, the treatment given and whether photographs were taken of the injuries.
• Try to get a copy of all police and medical reports and, if possible, pictures of all injuries. Keep this information in a safe place outside your home if possible; if it must be kept inside the home try to keep it somewhere the abuser will not find it.
• If possible open and maintain your own bank account. Use a bank other than the one the abuser banks at.
• Plan where you can go if you have to flee your home. Write the phone number of your local DV hotline or program on your emergency phone list.

Escaping from the Home

Keep with you at all times

• emergency phone numbers (police, DV hotline, DV shelter, friends),
• change to make calls,
• keys to your car (make sure to park your car in such a way that it cannot be blocked in).

Pack a bag; include

• A change of clothes for yourself and your children;
• A spare set of keys (house, car, office and safety deposit box);
• A supply of any necessary medication; an extra pair of eyeglasses;
• jewelry; irreplaceable items of sentimental value and extra cash.
• If possible keep the bag in a safe place outside the house where you can retrieve it quickly.
• If it must be kept inside the house keep it somewhere you can get quickly.

Documents; if possible,

• keep the documents in a safe-deposit box that the abuser doesn't know about
• or with a person who will keep them for you and from whom you can retrieve them quickly and safely.

If you must keep the documents inside the house, try to have them all in one easily retrieved and portable file box: :

Include the following documents:

• Identification - including birth certificates for you and your children;
• Social Security cards; driver's license, registration and auto insurance card; welfare, Medicaid, food stamp identification; passports, green cards,work permits.
• School and medical records (especially vaccination records for the children);
• prescriptions for required medications and eyeglasses; medical reports documenting any prior abuse of you or the children.
• Legal papers - divorce, custody and restraining orders; police reports of prior abuse; lease/rental agreement or house deed; insurance papers; wills.
• Financial documents - money, bankbooks and credit and ATM cards (remember if the cards are issued jointly to you and your spouse he can report them lost or stolen and have them canceled; he can also use receipts to track your movements); recent tax returns; pay stubs; statements from banks, brokerage firms and other proof of income and assets.
• Other - address book; diary of previous abuse.

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship

If you obtain a protective order against your abuser, keep the order with you at all times as well as the telephone number of whatever agency is responsible for enforcing the order in your jurisdiction.

If you are remaining in the home you shared with the abuser,

• Make sure to change all locks, including locks to garage and sliding glass doors
• Make sure any alarm system access code is changed and be sure to delete all previous access codes
• If the abuser has keys to your car, change the locks on the car.
• Consider installing steel doors, alarm systems, outside lighting and other security features.
• Inform your neighbors that you have left an abusive relationship and have a protective order against the abuser; ask them to call the police if they see the abuser near you or your home.
• Inform your employer and/or co-workers that you have a protective order against your abuser; ask them to call the police if they see the abuser near you or your workplace.
• If the abuser is harassing you with calls at work try to arrange to have your calls screened and the harassment documented.
• If your company employs security guards, ask to be walked to your car when leaving work
• If you rent your home or apartment and the abuser is named on the lease, ask the landlord to remove the abuser's name from the lease.
• If you have custody of your children and do not want the abuser to be permitted to pick them up at school, inform the school of the situation and specify in writing who is permitted to pick up the children.
• If the abuser has visitation rights with the children, arrange for the children to be picked up and dropped off somewhere other than your home, or have other people present when the abuser picks up and drops off the children.
• If you are being stalked or harassed by the abuser, inform the police and the court that granted the protective order.
• Avoid using the same bank, supermarket, dry cleaner, church and other businesses or services that the abuser patronizes.
• If you decide to move to escape from harassment or stalking by the abuser, remember that it is relatively easy for a detective to locate people unless the person has made major changes and expended great effort to make themselves difficult to find. Discuss your plans with your local battered women's program and/or an attorney to insure that the abuser will not be able to easily locate you.

Source: Marilyn Brown n http://www.ladybugbooks.com/plan.htm

For Help and information on a local shelter, 24 hours a day, call:

1-800-773-3645 S.A.F.E. House or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24 hours a day at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or 1-800-787-3224 (TDD for the Deaf)